6 Signs you’re holding grudges against you & 7 Ways to start forgiving yourself
Now if you want to talk about something/someone that’s bringing you down, you have to start by looking in the mirror. Eye to eye with your one ever lasting enemy, your biggest critic, the one that will probably judge you more than anyone else; YOU. How you treat yourself will always show what kind of person you are, I mean, we are so conditioned to be against ourselves and see negative before others see it, but we so rarely understand that we need to be in touch with the person we truly are, we need to connect with our own soul and body in order to grow. Although we do need to look at the exterior world, looking inward usually is the best way to understand the depth of your feelings. Today, I want to talk about how we hold so many grudges against ourselves, which ends up bringing us down and how we could help ourselves not going up with that burden on our shoulders, but listening to it, understanding it and then letting it go so we can go up in an easier way.
6 Signs you have not forgiven yourself about x situation
- You lash out at people
When you’re constantly filled with anger and you lash out at people easily for things that would not usually make you THIS mad, it may be a sign that in reality, who you’re really mad at is yourself.
Maybe it’s the person that remembers you of a situation you’re not proud of or it could be something they did which is slightly alike with what you did. Or it can also be something that didn’t go your way and even though it was a small detail, it pushed the small little nerve you had left and you freaked out.
- You refuse good/healthy because you ‘’don’t deserve it’’
It can totally be subconsciously, but have you refused good and healthy things in your life lately because you felt kind of guilty of having them and as if you didn’t deserve them? That’s because you believe you shouldn’t be granted good things because you did something shady or wrong and it makes you think you’re under these things, that you should pay. It’s like you’re punishing yourself.
- You compare
You compare your situation to another one and try to feel a bit better about it by thinking ok he did it too so I’m not so wrong. This is a human way to make you feel less guilty about what you did but the truth is, every situation is different and cannot be compared.
When you look at a similar event/situation that happened around you and you think to yourself, hey maybe I’m not this wrong because they did this too! It only means you have not forgiven yourself and you are in fact judging yourself as much as you are judging them.
- Guilt & shame
Ugly emotions. Necessary emotions.
You know the feeling of like, getting the ick from yourself? Like you’re thinking about a bad thing you did and you just get that weird wave of ugliness and just like don’t ever want to think about it ever again because you feel like the weirdest human ever? That’s when you’re shaming yourself about this and you feel guilty. Those emotions can be the worst, but they show you what you don’t want to be and that is actually really important.
- Overthinking something and wishing differently
Sometimes, when we overthink something that happened, we go back to all the details, every little thing from what you said to what you did to what they said and what they did and you may regret or tell yourself you could’ve done/said something differently and you wouldn’t be where you are today. That is a sign you’ve not forgiven yourself.
- Thinking you’re completely over it and then getting smashed down a few days later
There’s nothing wrong with thinking you’re over something, but most of the time, it is not the case and it’s just the result of you pushing away some emotions instead of letting them be there and be felt.
Now I know we all have bad days and we’ll always have some, it doesn’t mean you’ll never be over something. What I’m saying is that when you have a really big high and feel like you can vanquish the world, like you should’ve never been sad about X situation and then you get slapped down and feel like complete shit about this for multiple days, maybe you haven’t moved on. On a positive note, it may be your subconscious telling you there is hope that you WILL get out of this one day. Just focus on healing yourself right now.
That’s all great and all but how can you actually forgive yourself? We all do it in our own time zone, there is no rush and no comparison needed. You will be able to do it one day or another and these may not work for you, but it sure doesn’t hurt to try.
7 ways to start forgiving yourself about past mistakes
- You’re not responsible for others’ feelings
Although it may seem that way for some of us, everybody’s got their own feelings and we’re not responsible for any of those. You feel the way you feel and if you hurt someone it is bad, and you may be mad at yourself, but in the end what they feel is their own responsibility. I know, easier said then done, but try to look at it this way.
You are responsible to make a choice which could hurt someone, but you are not responsible to make them feel better.
- Everything happens for a reason
Once I really started to see it this way, it helped me liberate some weight off of my shoulders. I mean, if it did happen, then it was meant to and nothing could’ve stopped it from happening. You have to stop looking behind and telling yourself what if, because it happened, you can’t erase it. Even if you could erase something from your past, or change it, it would completely change your life today. You wouldn’t be the same person and you probably wouldn’t have everything that’s around you right now. Looking back to the past will keep you from being present and living this very second which you won’t get back again.
- Deal, feel & heal
In order to forgive yourself, you need to know what you’re mad at yourself for. I suggest you answer these questions below on a paper or your phone’s notes.
- What happened in your point of view?
- What happened in the other person’s point of view?
- What did you do wrong?
- Why did you do it at the moment? (There are no judgments, just be true to yourself)
- Was your true intention to hurt someone else?
- If not:
- Were you thinking about your interests because you wanted to be there for yourself?
- How did you feel after you did what you did?
- If yes:
- Did you want to hurt this person for revenge? Or because of jealousy? Or because you were already mad at yourself?
- How did you feel after you did what you did?
- Did it connect with your values?
You have to understand the way you’re feeling and why you’re feeling it, but also, just feel it. Even if it doesn’t feel good, trust me it’ll be better now than after months of ignoring it and it exploding in your face. Now you deal with this emotion and then you let it go and make place for other feelings. All of that, is healing.
Please note that when you’re holding grudges against yourself, you’re hurting your soul. Therefore, healing is needed.
- Disconnect yourself
It could really help you to take some time off of the people that were included in whatever situation happened. Seeing or talking to them everyday will only bring up emotions you don’t like, so distance yourself and let peace enter your life a little. It’s like letting a fresh wind of air into your house when Spring arrives.
- Make amends
You may have an ego and that’s okay, but living by that ego will block you eventually. If you know you’re in the wrong for something you did and you haven’t truly apologised, it’s time to do it. People may not accept your apology but you shouldn’t be going with the hope of them forgiving you and welcoming you back to the way things were. You go with the only intention of them KNOWING how sorry you are and it will bring you much more peace. Even though it can be hurtful, what’s made is made, you just have to accept it.
While you’re at it, make amends to yourself. I’m sure the past couple weeks/months haven’t been easy for you, so write yourself a short letter (or big one if you prefer) and let yourself know how you didn’t like what you did while being compassionate for you.
That leads me to my next point…
- Learn
Instead of repeating the scene over and over again, learn from it. The past can’t be changed, but YOU determine your own future. If you hate what you did, learn from it and understand that it’s not the kind of human you want to be, but who do you truly want to be? Determine it and make a promise to yourself; you’ll work as hard as possible to be that best version of yourself, and of course you’ll make some mistakes along the road but you’ll always try your best to learn from them.
Learning is one of the best gifts you could give yourself. Making a mistake doesn’t make you a bad person, but learning from it definitely makes you one hell of a better one.
- Give, receive, keep love
Love is quite literally the most powerful feeling ever. So, step by step, little by little, you’re going to start loving yourself again. You realise right now that you are worthy whether or not you did something bad. We need love to be fulfilled, but to feel fulfilled, we need to love ourselves. Not only that, I mean look around you, there’s love everywhere, it can be from your cat/dog to you, your family to you, your friends to you, etc. You give the love you want to receive and you accept to receive love around you. Slowly but surely, you’ll start feeling better and understand that the world’s problems can’t all be hold upon your head.
Forgiving yourself about something has got to be one of the hardest things ever for some people, that’s why you need to cut yourself some slack because it is hard to feel like you’ve done wrong and not be able to move past it. If there’s a way you can make up for it, do it and forgive yourself, if there aren’t other ways, start forgiving yourself anyway. Life’s hard, but it’s harder when the one person that follows you everywhere hates you for X situation. You’re human, remember that.
I really wish you to make up with what you did or at least accept it because I know how painful it can be.
Mwah.
