We all say that dating has changed and it’s not like in the old days, but what the fuck was it in the old days??? I literally wasn’t there and I’m wondering, was it the same as in movies? Were there princes and princesses?? I mean, yea the purpose was probably more genuine because people wanted to build a family, it was like a huge society achievement and fuck boys/girls were probably not as much popular as they are today, but I mean, were everybody happy in their relationship? I think the absolute fuck not. First off, men were above women for whatever stupid reason there is, and their voices were shut down. Anyways from what I’ve heard, it wasn’t the great magical love everywhere. Neither will it ever be because let’s be for real, dickeads are everywhere whatever the century. So I did scroll the internet for you guys and found some of the most unbelievable first date stories.
Here are the highlights of my research, just for you. Please laugh it off, or cry it off, whatever you do, let me know in the comments your worst date.
- The cat’s out of the bag…Or are the tits out of the bathing suit?
I got told this story and it still cracks me up till this day. Let’s call the person Rosa.
So Rosa dated this guy for a while and one hot summer day they went to the beach, or was it a water park? Can’t remember but anyways, there were children and adults and she told the guy (let’s call him Lucas) ‘’If my bathing suit falls off, please scream PLOUK so I can get the message and know there’s something wrong’’. That day was great, and nothing happened, nobody had to scream Plouk. However, two years later they go back to that place and suddenly Rosa gets out of the water full of waves and one part is missing without her noticing, now she’s walking out of the water and she just hears her boyfriend yell PLOUK PLOUK PLOUK but it’s been two years you know she forgot and she’s just wondering what the hell he’s doing and actually what the fuck is he screaming???? Then a little boy looks at her, mouth open all shocked and she’s just standing there like what the hell is going on? Then she proceeded to feel the breeze on her body and realised that everybody could see her boobs.
This is so funny to me.
- A disgusting dinner date
His food arrived, he ended up getting half of it down his beard which gave me the ick, especially as he didn’t remove it and it just sat there looking gross.
He spilled some sauce on his shirt then proceeded to lick it off.
He wanted to order dessert but I said I was full but he proceeded to order anyway so had to sit and watch him finish his. He kept trying to get me to try some even though I told him twice that I couldn’t eat ice cream as I don’t eat dairy.
He also stuck his finger in his ear probably 3 or 4 times and wiped it on his trouser leg each time.
I got chills just reading this what the hell is wrong with people don’t you want to make a good impression???? I mean, I am for not caring what people think but this is just horrid WHY WOULD YOU LICK THE SHIRT OFF?! I’m speechless. Also, the ear thing would’ve taken away my appetite.
- Shall we not
Internet date. I was clearly taller than he was expecting. I knew as soon as he saw me he didn’t want to be there. Went for a drink with dinner table booked.
After chatting over drinks I said ‘shall we go and eat’. He said ‘shall we not’
SHALL WE NOT OMG. I fully gasped in the middle of Starbucks how much do you not give a fuck about other people’s feelings? 😂
- Why beat around the bush?
He asked if I would drop him to the station & if I was into anal!
Wow. This guy really thought this was a two-for-one, a ride to the station in exchange of an anal ride. Boldness at its finess.
- Karaoke
I once took a guy to a really fun, stupid karaoke bar and he was gone when I got back from singing
He was speechless from your singing and probably scared because you sang better than he could.
- Oh
They guy who turned up hungover, told me at length about his ex-wife and then had the balls to tell me he wasn’t interested in me!
Guy only needed a friend… 😅
- People are crazy
Went for drinks with a French guy, seemed OK, good bit of friendly chatting…. And then he told me he’d fucked his mum! I tried to change the subject (!) but he came back to it a with more details… I made an exit out the side door.
How are people so at ease with saying this kind of shit? Like how. HOW ARE YOU AT EASE DOING THIS POINT???????
- Cult
My friend met a guy off tinder who kept looking over her shoulder then confessed he’d recently escaped from a cult and was worried he’d be spotted by bad people. She said she was going to the loo and scarpered. He was probably just married but on the off chance you don’t fuck around with cultists.
‘’On the off chance you don’t fuck around with cultists.’’ HAHAHA I AM FINISHED.
- The ex
Going to a restaurant where his ex was a waitress and he bursts into tears begging her to take him back up there.
That’s wild, he probably tried to make her jealous with the date, I can see why she left and I very much hope you left the date.
- Criminal record
Date: So are you one of those crazy girls who looks up the criminal record of your date?
Me: No
Date: Good.
Either the intrusive thoughts won or us ladies could have found something by looking a little.
- No privacy for you sir
Met a girl online & had her over for dinner. Heard ripping behind me while cooking. She was opening my mail.
She was looking for the criminal record, you can’t be mad at her.
- Audacity
He talked about himself all through dinner, then drove me around to show me where all his ex gfs lived.
No cause you were actually in a documentary about him.
- Wow
He cried 3 times during dinner, talked non stop about his ex & then pointed finger guns & asked ‘’wanna get a hotel room?’’.
I cringed so hard imagining this and I really hope you don’t have random second hand embarrassment about this moment at 3AM sometimes.
- Just no.
At the end of the night, he leaned in for a kiss whispering ‘’don’t be scared if my tooth falls out’’.
I’m not sure how to take this one in, was he for real? If so, how could I not be scared because WHAT IF IT FALLS DOWN MY THROAT?? If not, where the fuck were you going with this? Why would you say something like that, I mean in what world was it a good timing?
- Skateboard
He was skateboarding towards my driveway, his board caught on the sidewalk, he hit the ground and passed out for 10 minutes.
Your beauty knocked him out.
- Teeth PT. 2
I once went out with a guy who was about 28 at the time. When dinner arrived he said ‘’excuse-me’’ and took his teeth out.
WHAT IS IT WITH THE TEETH?! At least this one had manners and said excuse-me.
- Dinner date PT. 2
My date took me to a nice restaurant. Our server leaned in to me and said ‘’You’re the third one this week.’’
Server slayed it out, I love him for that.
Ah dating can really be something, I mean people can surprise the shit out of you for real real and I’m here for it. Although, the teeth whisperer was too much for me and now I will have that thought everytime I kiss someone and will be scared I’ll swallow something I’m not supposed to. Anyways, I fucking hope you guys loved this because I sure did laugh reading these.
Wishing you all great first dates and amazing time and if it’s the worst date ever, then tell me about it and I’ll post it somewhere then we’ll all laugh it off together.
LOVE YOU and slay your next date.
MWAH MWAH
